Thursday, December 31

Oh Jeez...Really...Seriously?

Call me naive but I was under the impression that I wouldn't be losing sleep until I actually produced a screaming bundle of joy. It looks to be, however, that that is clearly not the case. Just last night I woke up on four separate occasions to do one or all of the following: pee (again, honestly), guzzle orange juice directly out of the container, throw all the blankets onto Mr. Awesome, steal all the blankets back from Mr. Awesome (but not the blue one), munch on saltines, lay in bed imagining what I might prefer more than stale saltines, try to figure out whether I want to throw up or eat or, and this is the best one yet....try to convince myself that none of the aforementioned exists. Which, in turn, resets the whole shebang.

I'm tired.

Monday, December 28

Note to Self

Foods that offend me:
salad (especially with eggs or meat)

Food that were put on this earth purely for my enjoyment:
orange juice
potatoes (any possible way they are made, although I think I may have overdid it with the tater tots)
nachos (NO MEAT just black beans, corn, cheese (regular cheese not nacho cheese Yuck!) and lots of sour cream and avocado (but not guacamole, just diced avocado))

How's that for an abuse on parenthesis? But I assure you that you are not having cravings. There is nothing that you can't live without, there are clearly just things that offend you.

Kimiko obviously

Saturday, December 26

Dear Mr. Awesome,

You are the best. Like last night for example, when I passed out at two 0'clock for a couple hours and then at 8 proclaimed I was exhausted and passed out again. What does Mr. Awesome do? Well you just tucked me in nice and tight and were off. You didn't even bat an eyelash when a couple hours later I swore that that very same blanket you tucked me in with was suffocating me and it was "Sooo friggin' hot" (incredibly dramatic, I know). "The down comforter is fine, it's the blue one that has to go!" What does Mr. Awesome do? Well you just grabbed me a glass of ice water and were on your way, blue blanket in tow.

You are the best in the land.


Monday, December 21

Dear Self,

It would be super awesome if you could stop crying all the time, really. I realize your hormones are out of whack and that this can be a sensitive time but honestly snap out of it!! The Lord of the Rings really should not send you into a fit of hysterics and neither should your messy kitchen. I promise you if you don't knock it off you are going to give Mr. Awesome a complex (which is hard if not impossible to do considering considering his awesomeness). However, you have noticed that he's started to show a slight tick every time your eyes start to well up combined with a horrified expression like he just accidently cut one of your fingers off. It's sad.
So if you're not going to stop for yourself (and your make-up) at least do it for Mr. Awesome.

Dry it up Missy,

Thursday, December 17

Dear You Tube and Oversharers,

You are a constant source of amusement to me. I can spend hours watching Cute Puppies, America's Best Dance Crew clips, and that one with the kitten and the cute. Anyway, in my current state I thought I would look up 'Birth'. Now, I understand that there was a disclaimer but I didn't think it would be any worse than TLC's 'A Baby Story.' I couldn't possibly have been more wrong.

First off, way too much vagina, holy smokes. I know that it is of course involved but did I really need the money shot? I promise you if anyone gets that close to me with a video camera, I will kick them in the head. Secondly, and this may be me just being prudish but, if you are going to be butt naked with your tatas flying everywhere, why would you put that on YouTube? Is it so people like me who are expecting edited 'A Baby Story' clips will have nightmares.

I was hoping to live in constant state of denial until the actual birth day but now I'm having anxiety attacks. Thanks a bunch YouTube and you tata swinging hippies.


Tuesday, December 15

Dear Decaf,

You suck!! You are nothing like your caffeinated counterpart. You don't have the spunk, or the flair. I'm sorry but you have NOTHING to offer me.


Monday, December 14

Dear God, Mr. Awesome, and Mom

First and foremost, God you are amazing and Your timing is perfect. I have done absolutely nothing to deserve all the blessings You have given, all the beauty and love that You have surrounded me with and yet it is all there. I wake up thankful.
With that said I am also incredibly thankful for you, Mr. Awesome, for telling me you love me a million times a day (especially on the days when I'm really crazy), for jumping up to go get me eye drops, making me laugh all the time and generally just being awesome.
As for you, Mom, thanks for making me egg salad, no questions asked. I should also thank you for not saying anything while I sat there and ate half your loaf of bread with that very same egg salad, then went home.

I love you,

Sunday, December 13

My Dearest Mayapolis Papaya Janssen (puppy),

You are the best. You don't bark, you don't tear stuff up (anymore), you don't go potty in the house (anymore), and you generally don't smell much different than any other dog. However, and I don't want to sound unappreciative but, if the atomic bomb were a fart, it would be yours. They are, honest to God, the most horrendous thing I have ever smelled in my life. I am amazed that with one of the best sniffers in the animal kingdom you don't just go catatonic and die when one is unleashed. Seriously. You sit there and look at us like your insides didn't just rot and make their way out as vapors.

We have been woken from a dead sleep because of them, we have rolled down every window in the car in the dead of winter because of them and most recently been reduced to dry heaving and praying for our baby's life because of them. This condition should have been listed when you were adopted.

Be sure we still love you though, even though we sometimes look at you in disgust.


Saturday, December 12

Dear Eyeballs,

You are killing me and you have got to be the weirdest pregnancy symptom ever. If I could take you out and scrub you I would. Unfortunately, I have to just curse you and liberally bathe my eyes with Clear Eyes.


does anyone else hear Ben Steins voice whenever you hear "Clear Eyes"

Dear Jo Frost (Super Nanny) and Caesar Milan

You are both awesome, really, and you both have accents which make you even cooler. Anyway, I think you should do a show swap and see how well your techniques work. I'm pretty sure that you'll get similar results and here's why: you both train the parent/owner more than the child/pet, you both emphasize the importance of establishing yourself as the alpha/authority, you both recommend addressing discipline immediately before the child/pet forgets what they're getting in trouble for but you also don't want the child/pet to be fearful.

People would surely be interested in this television experiment and I would love to see Caesar do that claw thing on a child.

Creative Genius,

Friday, December 11

Dear Target Cashier,

You are way too chatty. The last twelve million times you’ve rung me up I have not wanted a Target card …I do not want one today, I am not going to enter in any code on any kiosk anywhere…ever and if you reprimand me one more time for sliding my card from left to right as opposed to right to left…Well, I’ll have to Judo chop you in the throat.

I am not the one,



Also added to your list of offenses, you did not redeem my $1 instant coupon for that pregnancy test so now not only am I knocked up but I am also out a dollar. You are ruthless!!

Dear lady on the plane who almost killed me,

You don’t know this but I am not a mom yet, therefore I do not have the super awesome super power of having eyes in the back of my head. That being said when I’m walking backwards pulling a 300lb cart you might not want to have your ginormous backpack chillin’ in the middle of the aisle. Capeesh? I would have told you this had my hormones not been out of whack requiring me to go cry in the bathroom for five minutes following my near death experience.

No you can’t have another water,


Dear TaTas,

First of all I have to say that I have always been proud of you, all perky and awesome and perfect. But lately you’ve been different: you’re not fitting into any of the cute bras you have, you’re kind of being hurtful and easily irritated and let’s be honest you’re really kind of letting yourself go. I fear that the worst is yet to come but have no fear. Should you end up where you don’t belong I fully intend to place you where God intended…right under my chin.

So long for now,


Dear Bladder,

What happened to us? We used to have a great relationship, or at least one that I understood. But lately you’ve become, well…a bit needy. Calling me all the time, sometimes for absolutely no reason at all and often multiple times an hour. Today was the last straw my friend. I SPECIFICALLY did not stop to get my normal Starbucks on the way to the dog park so that I wouldn’t have to deal with you, and what happened? The Port-a-John. Now this is where I draw the line. Even without being pregnant that thing is an assault on all my senses. So, snap out of it, you are being pushed around by a baby the size of an apple seed!!